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Sunday, September 16, 2012

On Chinese food, life and goats...

About a week ago I had a complete breakdown over Chinese food. Well, it wasn't actually OVER Chinese food; however that was the said catalyst of this breakdown. After an especially stressful week, I stopped by one of very few Chinese takeout places on the way home and wanted tofu and vegetables, expecting to pay maybe $5 or $6 for a small order. The cheapest version on the menu was $10.50 and it included all these extras (egg roll, soup, a kitchen sink, etc.). I didn't want all the freaking extras - I JUST WANTED TOFU AND VEGETABLES!!! They wouldn't even consider doing that for me, so I stormed out and had a complete freakout in my car.

When I finally calmed down (and my husband confronted me about my complete withdrawal and moodiness, over the past few weeks; not to mention the fact that I hadn't gotten a decent night's sleep in a while due to 1, 2, or 3AM anxiety attacks), it finally occurred to me that I was in the midst of a depressive episode. I hadn't had one for quite some time, and being a social worker, I should be able to identify these things, right? Maybe in others, but not so much in myself. Coming to this realization did not excuse my behavior, however it was a wake-up call that some things in my life need to change.

So coincidentally, following this breakdown/wake-up call, we are in the midst of moving into a new condo. It's smaller and much more unique than the cookie cutter apartment we currently live in (plus it's way cheaper AND it's located across the street from a really great park), so I'm just happy as a clam. Frankly, in finding a new place to live, I could care less about square footage - the only two things that matter to me are a large, walk-in closet and a big kitchen; both of which are spectacular in this condo. Yay for closets and kitchens!! But I digress.

I am taking this week off from work in order to re-evaluate/re-define/re-organize my life. Here are the promises I am making myself, starting right now:

1. I will no longer eat whatever I want on the weekends because "all bets are off" since I eat so healthy during the week. Eating unhealthy food always makes me feel like crap, so I'll continue my healthy eating choices as often as possible (weekday or weekend) and when I really crave something unhealthy, I'll eat a small-moderate amount of it (no more binging on entire bags of chex mix).

2. I will meditate for at least 10 minutes a day, NO MATTER WHAT. I will also prioritize finding a more concrete spiritual path.

3. I will make every possible effort to stop taking things personally.

4. I will indulge in experiences, not stuff. In fact, I will continue to give away as much unnecessary "excessive crap" I possibly can. Unloading and having less will undoubtedly give me so much more peace of mind and will hence impact #2.

5. I will say no when I should. I will not operate on guilt. When I begin to feel guilt, I will learn to recognize it as a sign that something is off and I need to re-evaluate things.

6. I will clean my car and I will make it a priority to keep it clean. Just because I'm by nature a messy person does not mean that I have to live that way. It's never to late to change those habits.

7. I will exercise 5-6 days a week (as I am) but will not beat myself up if I miss a workout. In fact, I will stop beating myself up in general. I will also stop apologizing for things that are not my fault.

8. I won't be hatin' on others. In fact, I will do the opposite. Through not taking things personally, I will teach myself to strengthen the relationships I have and to open myself up to new ones. It recently occurred to me that perhaps, maybe just maybe, one of the most important purposes of human existence is connection: with God (or whatever higher power you may believe in), with the universe, with EACH OTHER. And once we realize these connections and embrace them with love and acceptance, PERHAPS we can achieve a higher level of consciousness and thus, be happier and less sucky. Just a thought...

9. And most importantly - I will sparkle more. Much more.

That is it.

Now for the silly part of my post. So I've sort of got an obsession over miniature farm animals. I had previously been pretty certain I would eventually get an African Pygmy goat. Well, I've changed my mind. HAVE YOU EVER SEEN A MINIATURE NIGERIAN DWARF GOAT??


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