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Tuesday, April 3, 2012

It's my birthday and I'll ask for a talking cat if I want to!

So it's really not my birthday. BUT it is my Birthday Month. Growing up an only child (OC), birthdays are a really big deal (sorry friends with siblings, who didn't get parties every year). I think it's grown-ups' way of making up for the fact that OC's oftentimes do not have anyone to play with and thus end up doing really sad things like having tea parties with stuffed animals and having an emotional breakdown because they won't talk to her. Becoming a grown-up and NOT having a princess/Garfield/Fraggle Rock/Muppets themed party every year is a shock to the system. Yes, I should be a bit more graceful about aging, as I will be hitting the big 32 this month. But truly I still get really excited when Birthday Month rolls around, and I'm pretty certain this will always be the case.

So in the spirit of this month, if you're wondering what to get me, here are a few possibilities:

1. Figure out a way to make my cat talk. This is truly the greatest gift you could possibly give. I look at him and wonder what he's thinking, if he really loves me or if he's just thinking about the next opportunity he will have to sit on my computer while I'm working. Yesterday he actually managed to turn it OFF with his paw while I was in the middle of putting together a pretty important email.

2. I NEED a pair of these. They're called Superman Shoes, and I'm pretty sure they could change my life.


3. A teleportation device. Anyone who knows me is probably aware that while most folks fantasize about being a celebrity or winning the mega millions, I fantasize about being able to teleport anywhere, at a whim. I would never be late for anything again. "Oh, you guys are going to Applebee's for lunch? Cool, well while I'd love a chicken finger basket, I think I'm gonna pop over to Fiji. I'll be back by 1." I'd feel guilty for about 5 minutes but would get over it because, if you had a cool superpower YOU would use it for personal gain as well. Haters gonna hate.

4. A special taser to use on people who say things like "Valentimes Day", "nucular," put "s's" on things that don't have s's (e.g., "I'm going to Kroger's"), use double negatives, slurp loudly when they eat peaches, and smack their gum. But the type of taser in which the victim immediately forgets about said tasing (and most importantly, said perpetrator) once he/she comes to. This could be quite fun...