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Sunday, September 16, 2012

On Chinese food, life and goats...

About a week ago I had a complete breakdown over Chinese food. Well, it wasn't actually OVER Chinese food; however that was the said catalyst of this breakdown. After an especially stressful week, I stopped by one of very few Chinese takeout places on the way home and wanted tofu and vegetables, expecting to pay maybe $5 or $6 for a small order. The cheapest version on the menu was $10.50 and it included all these extras (egg roll, soup, a kitchen sink, etc.). I didn't want all the freaking extras - I JUST WANTED TOFU AND VEGETABLES!!! They wouldn't even consider doing that for me, so I stormed out and had a complete freakout in my car.

When I finally calmed down (and my husband confronted me about my complete withdrawal and moodiness, over the past few weeks; not to mention the fact that I hadn't gotten a decent night's sleep in a while due to 1, 2, or 3AM anxiety attacks), it finally occurred to me that I was in the midst of a depressive episode. I hadn't had one for quite some time, and being a social worker, I should be able to identify these things, right? Maybe in others, but not so much in myself. Coming to this realization did not excuse my behavior, however it was a wake-up call that some things in my life need to change.

So coincidentally, following this breakdown/wake-up call, we are in the midst of moving into a new condo. It's smaller and much more unique than the cookie cutter apartment we currently live in (plus it's way cheaper AND it's located across the street from a really great park), so I'm just happy as a clam. Frankly, in finding a new place to live, I could care less about square footage - the only two things that matter to me are a large, walk-in closet and a big kitchen; both of which are spectacular in this condo. Yay for closets and kitchens!! But I digress.

I am taking this week off from work in order to re-evaluate/re-define/re-organize my life. Here are the promises I am making myself, starting right now:

1. I will no longer eat whatever I want on the weekends because "all bets are off" since I eat so healthy during the week. Eating unhealthy food always makes me feel like crap, so I'll continue my healthy eating choices as often as possible (weekday or weekend) and when I really crave something unhealthy, I'll eat a small-moderate amount of it (no more binging on entire bags of chex mix).

2. I will meditate for at least 10 minutes a day, NO MATTER WHAT. I will also prioritize finding a more concrete spiritual path.

3. I will make every possible effort to stop taking things personally.

4. I will indulge in experiences, not stuff. In fact, I will continue to give away as much unnecessary "excessive crap" I possibly can. Unloading and having less will undoubtedly give me so much more peace of mind and will hence impact #2.

5. I will say no when I should. I will not operate on guilt. When I begin to feel guilt, I will learn to recognize it as a sign that something is off and I need to re-evaluate things.

6. I will clean my car and I will make it a priority to keep it clean. Just because I'm by nature a messy person does not mean that I have to live that way. It's never to late to change those habits.

7. I will exercise 5-6 days a week (as I am) but will not beat myself up if I miss a workout. In fact, I will stop beating myself up in general. I will also stop apologizing for things that are not my fault.

8. I won't be hatin' on others. In fact, I will do the opposite. Through not taking things personally, I will teach myself to strengthen the relationships I have and to open myself up to new ones. It recently occurred to me that perhaps, maybe just maybe, one of the most important purposes of human existence is connection: with God (or whatever higher power you may believe in), with the universe, with EACH OTHER. And once we realize these connections and embrace them with love and acceptance, PERHAPS we can achieve a higher level of consciousness and thus, be happier and less sucky. Just a thought...

9. And most importantly - I will sparkle more. Much more.

That is it.

Now for the silly part of my post. So I've sort of got an obsession over miniature farm animals. I had previously been pretty certain I would eventually get an African Pygmy goat. Well, I've changed my mind. HAVE YOU EVER SEEN A MINIATURE NIGERIAN DWARF GOAT??


Sunday, September 2, 2012

Reflections of the summer past...

I am so excited that it is finally September. I LOVE Fall more than puppies (yah, I know) and look forward to all of the super fun, magical offerings the season has in store for me. That being said, I want to share some really cool discoveries I have made over the summer, being that it's been a minute (or two) since I posted anything.

So with that, here is a list of awesome discoveries in my life:

1. Estate Sales - WHAT? Who knew that looking through dead peoples' stuff could be so fun? Chris and I have recently jumped on this train and found it to be both incredibly depressing and quite invigorating. It's weird going through someone's house, sifting through their Christmas decorations (dead people seem to have a lot of them) and other stuff, then deciding that it's just too sad (and sometimes creepy), feeling bad and then leaving empty handed. (BTW, anyone ever heard of haunted objects? Well, if an object were to be haunted, I GUARANTEE it would have come from an estate sale). Then we always go get a beer and talk about life.

2. The connection between mind and body. I know, sounds really frickkin' deep. Well, that's because it IS DEEP. People so oftentimes have pains because - wait for it - they are experiencing some sort of emotional struggles that they don't know how to process in an effective manner, and thus, said emotional struggles manifest via physical symptoms!!! I learned this because I just kept turning my ankles, over and over again, and a dear friend pointed out that perhaps I have too many different things going on in that brilliant mind of mine and am thus struggling to effectively manage this plethora of incredibly insightful thoughts (most recent internal conflicts - which My Little Pony would I be and what type of kale should I be purchasing, organic or non-organic - side note, always go with organic kale).  The key to fixing these problems? BALANCE. Meditation and yoga is so important, you guys. OMG (I'm serious).

3. My cat really does look an awful lot like Hitler. Not sure how cool this is, but really, it's kinda creepy. Especially when you open the dryer and find THAT.  **shudder**

4. Being vegetarian-ish has made me feel incredibly empowered and the opposite of guilty. When I drive by a chicken truck now, I can just smile and wave, completely and totally guiltless. But I will NEVER, EVER judge another person for eating meat. That's ugly, and mean. And I'm still noshing on fish, so I really have no room to be judgy.

5. I think I should get a school bus, just because it would make my life much easier. Then I could take whomever I want wherever I want (within a 200 or so mile radius) without fear of not having room for everybody. That would be really nice, and people would love me even more than they do. Sigh. I would call it "The Sparkle Bus" and paint it purple. Because, really, is it THAT necessary that school buses be so darn yellow? I think I'm going to start a campaign to make school buses more sparkly. I'll call it "The Sparkly Bus Project." Who's with me?