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Wednesday, October 9, 2013

I chose option 5, of course!

So. I could be ashamed of my shopping habits, but my pride won't let that happen. I NEVER pay full price for anything. I know the TJ/Marshall's brands so well that I tend to anticipate what items will inevitably end up in those stores, and wait, yes, WAIT, for them to grace the shelves of these magnificent meccas of mega-deals.  Never again will I buy a candle from Yankee Candle Co. Never again will I buy my shampoo or Hemp lotion from the salon when I can get it for half the price at the Maxx. Never again will I buy athletic clothing from department stores, the Nike store, or even (sigh) Lululemon, as I can find Adidas, Nike and company at, you guessed it, the Maxx.

So what's my dilemma, you ask? Two years ago, I found some magnificent Ironman running capris at Marshall's, on clearance, for just $10 a pair. They fit great and made my glutes (yes, I said glutes) look super fly so I bought three pairs. Didn't realize that the Ironman symbol on the front actually implies that I have completed an Ironman. Until just recently, when I was asked by no less than three different competitive runners which Ironman I completed. So here are my options: 1) Compete in an Ironman. Tempting, as I really do love those pants. But fuck, 70.3 miles? Yeah, you make fun of me Joe Rauch but I'd stick that 70.3 sucker on my car in a heartbeat. 2) Throw in the towel. Trash the pants and never ever fake being a triathlete again. Who am I kidding? I don't deserve to wear those pants. When I wear them, I shame mega-athletes everywhere. 3) Get a sharpie marker and color over the Ironman symbol so my life is no longer a big fat lie. 4) Tell people I have competed in an Ironman competition and come up with some bullshit story detailing it to just the right extent. Wow, never saw those man-o-wars coming (wink, wink). 5) Brag about finding these pants for just $10 a pair and dare someone to question my judgement, regardless of the faker I seem to be.

But I digress. While I do think it's a bit obnoxious to constantly showcase incredible deals, I kind of want to show them off. Maybe somewhere inside my head, I believe that I have the power to save people from the burdens of over-spending by showing them how insanely great the deals I find can be. How different would this world be if we all shopped at discount stores?

Do you see the symbol? Sir Dirt McGrit is ashamed to have such a faker as his person.

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